5 psychological qualities of men that women find attractive | How to attract a woman

Psychological qualities of men that women find attractive

Aah! What does a woman look into a man? What are the psychological qualities of men that women find attractive? 

I mean I am good-looking, physically healthy but still, I can’t attract a girl. Why is that?

I am not like those bad boys who date girls for fun. 

I am an honest person and I will give my 100% to a relationship if I ever have one.

Is there something I am missing? Am I not that good-looking?

All I want to know is how to attract a woman?

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I don’t know about you, but I did my share of searching on youtube, google, and other platforms about the psychological qualities of men that women find attractive. 

These videos and blogs suggested that to be more confident, join a gym and become physically fit, smile more, have a nice personality, etc.

I came to understand that, these blogs and videos don’t know what they are talking about.

Of course, becoming more confident will attract a girl, or attract anyone. 

Self-confidence reflects in all the areas of our lives. But, no one tells how to have self-confidence?

If only physically fit boys can attract women, why so many are single or break up after a few days of dating?

So, I decided to dive deep into this matter.

My thinking and perspective changed and life seemed happier once I came to know the psychological qualities of men that women find attractive than before.

So, here are the qualities discussed below…

1. Emotional Independence

Emotional independence is the most attractive quality of a man. 

A man who is not needy for someone else’s love, a man who doesn’t bag for validation, a man who is independent on his own is what women find most attractive.

Independent, in this case, doesn’t only tell us about financial independence but also emotional independence.

Here are the few validations that needy people crave for:

  1. Tell me I am beautiful
  2. Tell me I am talented.
  3. Tell me I am better.
  4. Tell me I deserve you.
  5. Tell me I have potential.

In short, a needy person looks for someone who can fulfill his emotional need.

Neediness is unattractive because it makes you seem weak and vulnerable. Neediness is the number one killer of attraction. 

Mark Manson, the author of The subtle art of not give a F*ck has defined attraction:

Neediness=1/Attractiveness.

When a person becomes less needy and independent, he becomes more attractive.

My question is why?

An infant is always needy. He is dependent on his parents for his survival. 

Through the course of his life experiences, he understands the way of living and becomes independent in his adulthood. 

The infant craves food, shelter, and attention. But, some adults may go out and live on their own, but they remain dependent on love.

I am not saying, don’t love anyone or stay away from love. No, without love, life will be mechanical.

What I am saying is, in the name of love, an adult looks for constant attention and respect from someone whom he values more than him.

We are human and we certainly crave love, but most of us have this deep craving for someone whom we cannot have in our life.

Since childhood, we acquired whatever we liked through the capacity of our parents, and it made us feel worthy and loved. 

In adult life, it contradicts our belief in the worthiness of ourselves, because the one whom we select doesn’t acknowledge our love for them.

This creates a huge need for validation, and we go after the one who rejects us. 

Because once they accept, it means we are worthy and can be happy again.

Because of this neediness, we stop progressing in our goals and purpose of life, we stop meeting people who care about us the most, and sometimes we stop living our lives and start living someone else’s.

A woman can detect neediness by someone’s behavior. Few examples of needy behaviors are given below:

1. Try to impress her with fake humor, fake personality, and behavior he doesn’t possess. He believes in the motto, ‘Fake it until you make it’ which doesn’t work because a woman can always detect a needy person.

2. Keep posting on social media about how cool his life is, what he does every day and how great life is going on. He is needy for those dopamine hits, that he gets from likes and comments on his post.

3. Want to please others rather than his own fulfillment. He may sacrifice whatever productive and urgent he is doing just to have fun with his friends. He just cannot say ‘no’ to a request. He wants to please everyone.

4. Seeking validation from her or others that he is special and he deserves more. He may seek validation in indirect ways like, telling others all the time what great things he did in life, what he accomplished, how much money he has, etc.

5. A woman always detects this weakness and finds it extremely unattractive. She doesn’t have to think about these behaviors consciously. 

Rather, she can find it unattractive without the understanding of neediness.

Once again my question is…

If the primary purpose of the brain is survival, why neediness is a threat to survival, and how can women detect it? 

Let us go back on time

Human life in ancient times was difficult and dangerous. 

The early humans stayed in tribes to protect themselves, to feed themselves because to survive on your own was too difficult. 

Psychological qualities of men that women find attractive

Perhaps you decide to survive on your own and not to stay in a tribe because you need privacy and you are “different” than others.

You go out in the forest, find a suitable cave for yourself and you decide to spend your first night in that cave. 

In the middle of the night, the sabertooth returned from its failed hunting, and trust me, she is irritated and hungry.

Guess what, you are already there for her dinner.

Joke aside, the primary purpose of your brain is survival. It will do everything in its power to keep you alive and your genes.

The ancient people understand that to be able to survive, they need to live together.

The job of the males was to gather food and protect the tribe from outside harm.

On the other hand, the females were responsible for the birth of children and other household works.

The women selected their mates very carefully because only a strong mate can provide food and protect her children from outside harm.

She never selects a physically weak person, who lacks basic surviving techniques, and who is a threat to her survival and her children. 

With millions of years of evolution, women have developed strong instincts that can detect the weak behavior/neediness of a modern man.

This is why a woman gets attracted to a physically strong person, but things are different now.

There is not much threat to survival from the outside predators and a woman doesn’t need a man to survive in this modern world. 

The physique of a man can attract a woman, but it will be short term if he doesn’t show strength in his behavior.

The success of a person in the modern world is not judged by physical strength, though it helps, but with certain other qualities that are discussed below.

These qualities not only attract woman but others as well:

2. Self- Assertiveness

The second psychological quality of men that women find attractive is self-assertiveness.

There are two fundamental qualities of humans that everyone possesses. 

  1. Willfulness &
  2. Aggression.
To understand this, let’s go back on time once again:

A boy is sitting in front of a campfire along with his father, mother, and his pet dog. The boy loves his parents and cares for their opinions and attention.

But, he hates the dog. 

So, he decided to hurt it with a long sharp spear. The dog, unaware of the boy’s intention, was resting peacefully behind the back of the boy’s father. 

The boy took the spear silently and pointed the sharp end, towards the dog and was about to hit when he suddenly stopped.

There was an unknown feeling that he never experienced before that hit him hard. 

What his parents would think about him if he did this? Will they get angry and throw him out of the tribe?

Will they stop caring for him and lose the love of his parents?

The emotions that he experienced, may not be known to him in the early times, but we know now.

They are shame, guilt, anxiety, fear, etc. 

These negative emotions are essential for survival and they can lead us in the correct way of life. 

On the other hand, if we don’t have these, anyone will use its willfulness and aggression on anything and anybody.

These negative emotions inhibit the willfulness and aggression of a person where it is wrong or not necessary. 

But, there are incidences, especially in childhood, that amplify these negative emotions and it inhibits willfulness and aggression wherever it is necessary.

In their adulthood, they are not assertive in their decisions. 

So, what is self-assertiveness?

In dictionary terms, “Someone who is self-assertive acts in a confident way, speaking firmly about their opinions and demanding the rights that they believe they should have.”

The negative emotions don’t hinder the person to be assertive in his actions. He knows what he wants to do and he does it.

To be self-assertive doesn’t mean aggression and disrespecting others. It means respecting others and firmly believing in your own opinions and decisions.

Self-assertiveness demonstrates strength and abilities for survival and promises a good life to a woman. 

It means, a woman can trust her partner in judgment and shows a sign of healthy self-esteem.

A person with high self-esteem attracts everyone. A person with low self-esteem only attracts a person who has similar low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem couples never end up happy in their relationship because they are just fulfilling the emotional needs of each other.

In simple words, a person who stands alone when no one is there to support him because he believes in his opinions and goals is self-assertive.

3. Purpose

The third psychological quality of men that women find attractive is having a purpose in life. 

A person without purpose and goals drifts from here to there. 

This is highly unattractive because the primal brain of women seeks security and the promise of happy and healthy life from a partner.

They want someone stable, a strong shoulder where they can keep their head and cry.

Not all women though. 

A person of purpose is a sign of strength because it promises a good life for both of them. 

It is also a sign of non-neediness because this person believes in himself and he possesses self-respect and self-efficacy.

In ancient times, this requirement was not there, because life back then was simple. 

In a modern complicated world, your determination, taking a high level of stress, perseverance, hard work, self-discipline are valued more than your physical attributes.

Having a purpose and running after it shows these characteristics of a man.

These characteristics change a person’s personality and it reflects not only in his behavior but also in his physical appearance.

His walking will change, his way of smiling will change and the way of talking to others will also change. 

He can easily make eye-contact with others which is a strong technique to attract women. 

One key point to remember is, you cannot fake these characteristics. 

You cannot make eye-contact without your self-respect, and if you can do, there will be nothing in your eyes but neediness.

You cannot show self-discipline and perseverance to others if you don’t have it in the first place.

“Don’t fake it, you will never make it” now believe in this motto.

In summary, the following are the characteristics of a person having a purpose in life:

  1. He has the self-awareness to create a better life for himself and others.
  2. He is hard-working and focused.
  3. He is gritty and has perseverance.
  4. He doesn’t only move forward in life when things are good, but also when things are not.
  5. No set-backs can stop him forever. He always comes back.
  6. He meets the demand of realities, irrespective of his emotions.

Don’t be sad, if you don’t possess these qualities. 

These qualities are nothing but a habit and just like any habit, it takes time to form.

Read books on self-development, watch videos and attend seminars, find your way out from your mess. 

Because, this is what an independent person will do, and it is attractive to women.

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4. Self-Responsibility

There are some hard truths about our life you have to accept.

  1. No one is coming to help you.
  2. Life is difficult.
  3. We are responsible for our desires and dreams.
  4. We are responsible for our happiness.
  5. We are responsible for our consciousness.

Accepting self-responsibility is one of the biggest psychological qualities of men that women find attractive.

Why?

Because it demonstrates strength and security. 

a. No one is coming to help you.

We spend most of our lives hoping that there is someone, or perhaps a superpower that will help us to grow in life. 

Accepting that, no one is coming to help us is scary. But, once you accept it, life becomes easy because you are not dependent on anyone else.

You start taking responsibility for your life, and that is a quality for attractiveness.

b. Life is difficult

People keep complaining about the injustice they have faced throughout their lives. They spend most of their time, running away from pain and discomfort. 

They find solace in alcohol and drugs, but these short-term gratifications don’t solve their problems, rather intensify it.

Facing the problem is accepting your responsibility.

Accepting that life is difficult, is accepting your responsibility and once you do accept, you find life is easier than you thought.

c. We are responsible for our desires and dreams.

No one is going to fulfill our dreams and desires for us. We are responsible for our own desires and the realization of this knowledge can be life-changing for someone.

You may know this, you may have the knowledge to be responsible for your desire and dreams, but once you realize, your thinking gets changed.

Realization and knowledge are both different.

A realization may happen in two ways:

1. Big life events.

Some big life events change the way we think. These life events can be positive and negative. When it happens, your perspective changes, a paradigm shifts.

But, you don’t need to wait for these life events to happen to realize your self-responsibility.

2. Repetition and habit.

Once we repeat something, it becomes our habit and our identity with time. Once you practice self-responsibility every day in your daily life, you will start to see changes in you. 

The capacity to repeat something every day is not easy unless you understand the science behind it.

There are many self-help books on habit formation and I highly recommend you to read those.

My suggestions for self-help books will be given at the end of the article.

So, why is self-responsibility attractive?

A man who is responsible for his life is also responsible for his life partner. 

A woman detects this quality in a man from his daily behavior. 

Moreover, self-responsibility gives you self-respect, a better self-image, and happiness. 

These qualities again help a man in self-confidence and courage.

5. Courage

The last but not the least psychological quality a man can possess for attracting a woman is courage.

One of the most misunderstood concepts from this article is that if you are not needy then you don’t have to do anything for someone you like and just focus on your goals and dreams.
The message I want to provide through this article is the opposite.

Sure, you are not needy of attention and validation. 

You know your worth and you don’t need others to tell you that you deserve something or not. 

But, if you like someone, it is your responsibility to go and talk to her. 

If you sit in the corner expecting that she will come and talk to you, then clearly your self-confidence is low.

Why is your self-confidence low?

Your self-confidence is low for the following reason:

a. Wrong Parenting

Perhaps, your childhood was not that great. Whenever you tried to do something on your own, it got sabotaged by your parents, especially by your father.

Maybe, your father was an aggressive person back then. A lot of times you got discouraged for your actions. 

Whatever mistakes you did, you got scolded for it.

“Don’t do that, you can never make it. This is not good for you. Don’t try that. I will break your legs if you climb that tree. You don’t know the spelling of your hometown, what kind of useless boy you are.”

These words create a deeper impact in your subconscious brains than you can think of.

These childhood memories affect your adult life too.

b. Other childhood memories

The other childhood memories, other than parents, can be getting bullied in school, wrong teachers, social influence, etc. 

c. No self-awareness

People who live their lives on impulses, rarely do anything in life. They are unaware of their life problems, their emotions, and their reasons for taking certain decisions.

Once they fail in something, they accept it as their reality and do nothing about it. 

Hey, why don’t you have self-confidence? The usual reply, because this is how I am. 

d. Self-acceptance

People have a hard time accepting something which can cause fear in them. There may be certain flaws in you but never accept them consciously because this seems like a weakness.

Without accepting your flaws, you can never work on them. 

e. Self-respect and integrity

Most of us do things when we feel like doing it and not when reality demands it. Once you have the capacity to meet the demands of reality, you will find integrity and self-respect in you. This will boost your self-confidence.

You will do, whatever is right for you at the right time.

These points are shown to make you understand that courage and self-confidence comes from self-respect and self-efficacy.

Once you respect yourself, you will stop caring about others’ opinions about you. You will get up from that corner and will approach her.

Because you are not needy anymore, you are whole on your own.

Here is the definition of neediness according to Mark Manson,

Neediness occurs when you place a higher priority on what others think of you than what you think of yourself.

Conclusion

There will be a misunderstanding of this article if I don’t provide a clear conclusion.

This article doesn’t mean, you have to be selfish and only think about your goals and purpose. 

It also doesn’t mean, you shouldn’t feel low if anyone breaks your heart or you come out from a bad relationship.

Highly self-esteemed people also feel low, but for some time. They don’t waste their life on a person, who doesn’t deserve them. 

They let them go and also go their own way.

Courage and self-confidence come when you start working on your character first. 

It is your character that determines your success in your career and relationship. 

A personality having the psychological qualities of self-assertiveness, non-neediness, self-responsible, having a clear purpose, courageous are highly attractive.

Best

Ahbab

Book recommendations on Neediness are given below:

  1. Models by Mark Manson.

3. Integrity by Henry Cloud

4. No More Mr Nice Guy by Rober A Glover (Highly recommended)