If you have typed in google ‘Why does nobody like me?’ then there is nothing wrong with you.
After this article, your perception towards you will be changed, and it will help you develop into a person who achieves success and happiness in life.
But I have to warn you about something, I have put a lot of effort and time in this article to make it easy to understand as much as possible, you too need to put your best effort to understand it completely.
Over the course of your life experiences, your subconscious mind has developed self-concepts about yourself.
I am a good person. I cannot do this. This is beyond my capacity. I don’t deserve love. Everybody hurts me. I am so unlucky. You are better alone. You cannot speak English in front of people. Your communication is weak. I always fall for the wrong person.
These are a few of the examples of self-concept.
Let’s understand this in detail:
“There is no greater barrier to romantic happiness than the fear that I am undeserving of love and that my destiny is to be hurt”- Branden Nathaniel said that in his book The six pillars of Self-Esteem.
Somebody cheated on you, your parents never showed you the love you deserve, you had fights with your friends when you are in college or school, and because of these events, you have developed a concept that you don’t deserve love and that is what defines who you are. This is what you are at your subconscious level.
You don’t respect yourself, and also you don’t enjoy being the person that you despise. You are empty, and there is less to give to the others.
You have needs. The need for being loved, the need to get respect and the need to receive more because you are not enough.
You look at other people for their opinions and respect. You go to social media and search for the validation you want to receive from them.
You don’t admire these people or like them for who they are; you just want their validation. You want their attention because that will make you enough. You will finally find respect and be happy, after all. Will you?
You have found that person who likes you, gives you the attention you need and loves you like nobody has loved you before.
You joke with him that there are more beautiful and deserving girls to love than you. He refuses and says that you are the only one he loves.
But, you have a self-concept that you are undeserving of love. The reality is conflicting with your subconscious belief.
This will lead to chaos in the following way.
If he loves you, it only means that he is not good enough for you. You don’t need validation from someone who has low value and can go after anyone. You want validation from the people that don’t love you back.
Because those are the people who have high self-esteem and worth more than you.
So, you fight with him, and he leaves you eventually, which confirms the self-concept that nobody loves you in the first place. It strengthens your belief even more.
In the same book, Brenden Nathaniel said that “If you do not feel loveable, it is very difficult to believe that anyone else loves you.”
Even if you tell yourself that you are loveable and wonderful, even your friends or the people keep telling you how good you are; you cannot believe them. You think they are just saying to make you feel better.
One important point to pay attention to is that people who have the same level of self-esteem attract each other.
If a person has high self-esteem, and his or her partner has low self-esteem, that relationship will never be a happy relationship.
The poor self-esteem person will be intimated by the high self-esteem person, which will cause behavioural problems in the relationship.
He or she will demand more love and more happiness from him, and when he gives because he can provide, she will not appreciate the love because of her internal belief that she didn’t deserve love.
Again, if both the partners have low self-esteem, the relationship will result in chaos. They will blame each other for the unhappiness, fight, and eventually, it will result in a divorce or a cold relationship.
All this happens because of your poor self-esteem, and you say, “why does nobody like me?”
Let’s come to another example:
In your workplace, you have a name, a reputation for being creative and effective at work. When people praise you about your work, it makes you feel good because it is something where you can find true happiness.
This is where you are actually valued for your potential. You work more to get that same kind of happiness repeatedly and strengthen the belief that you are even good at it.
But wait, you don’t deserve joy or happiness because whenever you are happy, something always happens bad in your life.
This happiness is short term, and you are 100% sure this time, too, something is going to happen.
This will break you, and you will fall into despair once again if this happens.
Before things go wrong, you will avoid it in advance.
“It is not you who must adjust to reality, but reality itself that must adjust to you and to your ‘knowledge’ of the way things are and are meant to be” an excerpt from the same book mentioned above.
Your quality of work falls, and your boss tells you, “What is wrong with you? You were once so good. How come you make mistakes like that?”
So now, your reality adjusted to your brain that happiness is short term. It again strengthens the belief that you don’t deserve happiness.
Your self-concept is that you never earned a lot of money, nor your parents did. You never had a big success, nor anyone in the history of your family had any significant success.
Now, you got this big promotion, and you are excited and happy beyond your measures.
You called every one, to your wife and your parents and they were also a little bit surprised and shocked that you did something which seemed impossible to them or you.
One important note: If your self-esteem is low, that doesn’t mean you cannot have success in your life. By following your passion and hard work, you can achieve what you always wanted, but that achievement will be short and destructive.
There are multiple examples where someone rises and then falls into destruction.
I will explain self-esteem in a bit.
. . .
Now, but this is too big news for you. Your self-concept is you don’t deserve a lot of money, and you are unworthy of it. You are definitely going to make some big mistakes after taking over the position.
The responsibilities are too big for you.
You couldn’t sleep at night, nor can you focus on your work. Because of the clash of reality and your self-concept, fear arises in you that something bad will happen.
You start drinking to ease yourself and keep fidgeting every time you go to your office. What are people thinking of me? Are they mocking because my decisions are poor? Are they laughing behind my back? I am the center of attraction now.
I don’t like it. I want to be back in my old office. I want to be in the same old chair where I can work without any pressure, and nobody will judge me.
Within a few weeks, you get demoted to your old position or leave the company. You couldn’t just handle it anymore.
And when you keep failing again and again in future because of this fear you ask, ‘why does nobody like me?’
This all happens because of your low self-esteem.
In these dire times in your life, you should remain firm and question yourself, your inner voice that why something terrible would happen, why can’t you do it? Reason it with your subconscious mind and wait for the answer.
The more you question your brain like a real person, your concept about yourself will start to shift.
If you arrive in these kinds of situations in your life or already are, then just hold it for the day, then another day because this will pass and you will eventually start to believe in yourself. Start confronting your self-concept with courage, and it will begin to change on its own.
Other recommended books to improve your self-esteem are:
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
The Psychology of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden.
*I recommend to try this book after the six pillars otherwise, it will be very difficult to grasp.
The Self Confidence Workbook by Barbara G. Markway and Celia Ampel
Ten days to self-esteem by David D. Burns
So, now the question is, what is self-esteem?
The is no one-liner definition that will express clearly what self-esteem is. But, in a vague and straightforward sense, it means the opinion about yourself.
Let’s understand it better by some more definitions:
In the words of Brenden Nathaniel, self-esteem has two interrelated components.
One is the ability to do things besides the life challenges: Self-efficacy and second, the respect for yourself that you are worthy of happiness: Self-respect.
Having these essential components in oneself make someone more successful and happy in their life.
It doesn’t mean high self-esteem people will never have problems or failures in life. They will have more significant problems than the low self-esteem people group, and they may feel sad and unhappy in spirit for some time.
But, these people will always jump back from their dire situations and achieve more success than before because their self-concept is that they deserve success and are worthy of happiness.
These people will never stop trying. They don’t need validation from others. They are enough in whatever state or situation they are.
They are happy with their life, and no matter what people or situation throws at them, it will not affect them for long.
Self-esteem is a big topic, and how to increase self-esteem is a long process which I will write in future posts.